Today is a hard day and I’m glad my head isn’t hurting to add to it. My morning was a trial and a miserable way to start a sunny day. I’ve been doing a lot of contemplation every night and perhaps I will write of it if I can find the words to express my thoughts. There are two problems I am facing, one of my bodies ills, and the other of my emotions and conflicted mind.
Tomorrow I have a follow up appointment with my doctor. She will probably want to do more tests that may be unpleasant, but I can deal with that. Not being of good health has not helped my psychological distress. The tests will probably have to wait until after my short leave however, unless they can be done on Monday.
Having my sister here will be a comfort. The hardest part of all that has been going on is that I have no comfort here. I will do my best to not let my body interfere with her visit. When she leaves I will continue to work on getting healthy and finding more peace of mind and heart.
Worthless. Worthless. I am worthless to all except a the few family members that I have. They are the only ones who love me, care for me, and need me.
In the end when my friends are gone or I leave, I’m eventually no longer needed. I’m only good enough for when we’re together and change hasn’t occurred. Their interest in me fades eventually as life progresses and I give up since I’m no longer needed.
Finding friends isn’t easy being that I’m an introvert. Strangers seem to genuinely like me alright, but they have no need of me. Their lives are full and I won’t be included in it. Trying to reach out won’t do me much good. I don’t matter much to most of humanity. Life doesn’t care about you. I wish I didn’t care either.
Loneliness and sadness have long been my companions. Truly I am a terrible person. The most important things I cannot do right. What matters most to me in life I have not been able to achieve.
It all looks so hopeless. I am worth so little. My body is so imperfect and health is a fickle thing. There are only two people whom I feel decently close to. All my life I have ached to feel really close to someone, to not feel so alone. Why can’t I be satisfied with what is offered me and why haven’t I been offered more?
If I were a good person I wouldn’t be so alone. Some would say, improve yourself and be better. What do they think I’ve been doing my whole life? My conclusion then is that I will never be good enough. Never have I been good enough, never will I be good enough. I am doomed to a life of loneliness for however long I can stand it.
Loneliness and sadness are my companions. Never will I be good enough. I cannot look to the future for hope for it is never what you hope it to be. I must conclude that I am a terrible person to fail like I have.
How long will the parts of life that I enjoy be enough for me? There are goals that I wish to accomplish and places I want to see. There are people that I love and care about. Loneliness gnaws at my soul, however, with no end in sight. Will a day come when I can no longer take it and all the other hardships of life?
Disney Princesses - AFTER Ever After
Shit just got real.
Eight percent of college men have either attempted or successfully raped. Thirty percent say they would rape if they could get away with it. When the wording was changed to “force a woman to have sex,” the number jumped to 58%. Worse still, 83.5% argue that “some women look like they are just asking to be raped.
Margo Maine, “Body Wars”
There was a time that, as a person of the male persuasion, seeing this quote made me really mad. It made me mad that women would assume that I was a rapist; it made me mad that rape was becoming ‘my problem’; it made me mad because, frankly, I didn’t think it was true. I think that this is a really common male attitude when confronted with rape statistics- or, at least, it has been in my purely anecdotal experience.
But now, I know there is no excuse for that. Men need to take responsibility and look at these numbers for what they really are, and what they really, truly represent. Men, don’t be mad at the woman who is justifiably wary that more than half of the men she knows could be her potential rapist. Don’t be mad at that there’s someone trying to rain on your fun, privileged parade where rape is something that only happens on Law & Order. Don’t be mad that you can’t accept that rape is way more common than you think. Most of all, don’t be mad at the woman who was raped and is seeking justice and help for her assault just because you thinks she looks like she was ‘asking for it.’
Be mad at the man who waits in the park to prey on the women who have a right to feel safe in their own communities. Be mad at the man who takes advantage of his drunk girlfriend. Be mad at the man who pushes the issue when his wife isn’t in the mood. Be mad at the man who catcalls, who makes unwelcome advances, who cops a feel.
Don’t be angry at the woman who doesn’t entirely trust you. Be angry at the men who have made her feel that way. Don’t be a part of a problem.
Be a part of the solution.
I finished “Veronika Decides to Die” and will next read “Candide.” I also received “Hyperbole and a Half” earlier this week in the mail and started reading it today. It makes you chuckle to yourself right from the beginning.
I ran into an old shipmate today. He and I cranked together on the mess deck. His left ring finger was also injured, and it was amputated at the PIPJ. One day at work, his wedding ring got caught and they couldn’t save his finger. He’s a good guy and a natural leader. I wish him the best of luck.
Finally they started playing Ender’s Game on base. It’s been about two years since I read the book and with it shipped back home with other books, I was unable to re-read it before seeing the movie.
From what I recall, the movie did a good job of showing the important plot points from the book. The graphics and acting were high quality. Finally, it was all rounded out by a music score that enhanced the emotional depth of Ender’s journey.
Bad Romance: Women’s Suffrage
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